An Open Letter To The One Who Got Away

Hey you, 

I wrote a letter to you last night. A letter containing everything that should've been said in great detail (it was basically an essay, just like the lengthy messages you always sent me). A letter that was so long overdue. A letter that you would never receive. 

But here I am, writing you another one, sans those details. I'm sorry if I had led you to perhaps, think that it was your fault and were the reason why we never.. became a "we". I had a part to play in the way things turned out.

You were goofy and i like goofy. You made me laugh. You called yourself silly but i liked you that way. You were sweet and caring. It was refreshing being with you - a nice change. You couldn't tell but I was just as shy as you... but just covered it up pretty well. 

Timings are a funny thing, isn't it? Sometimes we can be at the right place, with the right person, but just at the wrong time, or we can be at the right place waiting for the right person but the right time never seems to come. One day im unavailable but you are, and the next, you're unavailable but i am. That was what happened with us - timing. I never wanted to assume a guy like you would fall for a girl like me (which is an irony because i think remember you joking that you could not see a girl like me falling for a guy like you). It was my fault that i did not say how i felt, but only because i was still scared that this was all just me feeling it all one-sided.

Remember us laying down on the grass in the sun, with those massive lizards you thought were "cool" but scared the living daylights out of me (and laughed when I said they were basically mini-dinos)? Remember my last night when you decided to be sneaky (by this i mean sweet) and met me at Cleveland as soon as i got off the boat after my day-trip, instead of meeting me in the city? I do. I can't believe how you still thought i was gorgeous even when i looked terrible with my hair all tangled and me smelling like the sea! Remember the long walks we had? Long walks to nowhere in particular, but ended up sitting on a bench in the night, facing a field and just talking. Between those long lingering hugs.. I kept waiting and waiting for you to say something, but all I had were hints. 

Hints, i guess, really doesn't work. Or maybe in this case, in our case. Yes, i got all your hints and im sure you got all my hints. But we never actually (directly) spoke about it and how we felt; which was really what i needed from you - certainty. I didn't want to be that girl that over-thought your actions. I never wanted to assume how you felt and because of that, i never said anything. But now, I wish you had. I wish i had.

Remember that night when you called as soon as i walked away and asked if you could wait for the train with me and i said, 'Hey! It's okay, dont worry about me. You go home"? I do and I regretted saying that the moment i hung up. In fact, here i am, 9 months later, still regretting it. Because really, i wanted you to be beside me but for some reason, it felt that telling you to leave would have been an easier thing to do, for us both. Maybe, deep down, I was feeling a little guilty over the things I never told you, which I prolly should have. But you saw me as this perfect girl and... I couldn't bear to tell you. Maybe that was a factor.

Let's fast forward to the time I got back and after a few weeks, i found myself so caught up with work, things that were going on here and then things happened between us and one day, we fell out of touch. I should have put in the effort, because you had. I kept wanting to call you just to check on how you've been and stuff, but never got around doing it. I'm sorry for never having done that. Maybe if i did, we would still be as close as we had been. I still thought about you from time to time, but you were never on Skype anymore and i decided that you had things going on. By then, I had moved on and soon found myself in a LDR, or at least attempting one. Seven months flew past and I found myself talking about you once more, going back through all those messages and talks we had. There I sat, deciding it was time for me to call, just to say hi and a "how are you". 

Timing, once again, played us me, like a fool. It felt like there was just never the "right time". Maybe our "right time" had come and gone. It will always be on my list of "What Could Have Been". But I meant it from the bottom of my heart, that I'm so happy to hear that you're happy and doing well. The last message you sent to me is still one I hold dearest. It was the most respectable, sweetest, yet at the same time, heart-wrenching message i have ever received. 

It was in that moment that i realised really how much you liked me.

"..I just know that you are always going to make me feel those feelings and I just can’t do it anymore. Not now."

I understand that now, you can't see me as "just a friend" because of it all, and now that you had moved on, your decision showed me how much you respect her as an important person in your life and was trying to be fair to us all. And for that, I respect your decision. It was the right thing to do for us all, if we stayed apart; although I wished there was an alternative. I never got a chance to tell you all these because at that point, you had made your decision and I was not going to be the one to mess things up in your life. You told me that you hoped i was truly happy, because I deserve it, and I wish you the same. Whoever she is, she's a lucky one. 

Maybe one day... years from now.. just maybe we could have a do-over, as friends or whatever. Maybe. Just maybe.

Watch this space!

Can't believe it's been nearly a year (well like 7-8 months, yeah?) since I've posted anything on here. There has been just sooooo much that had happened since my last update - got back to Singapore, started my internship, attended my convocation (YAY!!! OFFICALLY GRADUATED!), attended a coupla events, got a job, worked, worked, worked and worked a few more and then i left for America, for a long breather.

I've since been back and had some down-time to just chill (code for "bum around"), catch up with family and of course, my social circle after being MIA since..... well, basically since I got back from Brisbane! *gasps*

I've been thinking a lot, and there's so many things that has happened that I would love to pen down and share (with and if there's anyone that's still reading this blog. Lol)!

But first, it's 530am and i've yet to sleep. I'm gonna call it a day, and when i get up, i'll start jotting down everything i've been wanting to share on this blog about the past 7-ish months or thereabouts.

So watch this space! Promise there'll be updates! Also, I'm definitely gonna change that damn banner on the header of my blog and bear with the old blogskin.. i'll get around changing it up.... SOONISH. HAHAHA. x

5 Things I've Learned About "The Real World" (So Far)

Now playin': The Rest of Us - Simple Plan

I've always wondered what it was about growing up that everyone seemed so frightened about that they would want to turn back time and be that little child who could just cuddle up against their parent when they've had a nightmare or when someone took their toy. I grew up wanting to grow up even faster and being in the "real world", living life as an ADULT with all the freedom I could ever want. But as I slowly got older each year, the excitement to be an adult met with fear... fear of taking on the responsibility to BE an adult. Plus, I really dreaded hitting the big "2" just because... 

I'm sure I'm not alone in this. 

So having turned 21, facing the world as an ADULT (meh), here are five of the many things that I've learnt about "The Real World" so far:


1. PRIORITIZING

Family? Money? Social life? Friends? Well... how 'bout SLEEP (OMG YES)?

I was lucky enough to have been on internship at the point I turned 21. Which was cool because... well, at least I stuck to my goal of at least pursuing what I've always wanted, even if it was just an internship - that's one foot in the door already. But with the nature of my work, I saw myself working and when I'm not working, I'm all worn out and just want to go home, watch a coupla episodes of FRIENDS and sleep. 

I was barely home for anything other than sleep. My friends barely saw me surface at dinner events. I replied people's texts like... 

Nearly never - think a week late). Smh.  

So when I turned 21, it was a weekday, I didn't tell anyone at work it was my birthday. I ended up working OT. I pretty much didn't expect ANYONE to celebrate my birthday. I mean, I was just missing in everything. People were bound to realise and get pissed, no? I was wrong, I had SEVEN mini-celebrations with family and friends! S E V E N. I was so touched! Despite everything, I kept getting mini surprises from everyone!

What I'm trying to say here is that priorities are important. I failed to see that I needed to balance out my life. I chose work and sleep over everything else. Sure, it was mainly because I really wanted to give whatever I got into work (trust me, everyone I knew were flabbergasted over how seriously I took my internship) and I had a lot to prove to not only everyone else but.. most importantly, myself. I NEEDED to reach everyone's expectations of me. 

Yeah, I know. I shouldn't feel like I should need to be what other people expect of me, but I just grew up being that way. End of. 

But in the end, I've learned to find some sort of balance and I'm still doing fine. Sure, being worn out is still very constant but at least, I know I've got some time spent with family and friends and.. S L E E P. 

OH GAWD YES. SLEEP. OH MOTHER OF ALL LEVELS OF REM SLEEP. 

Totes kidding. 

I get less than 5 hours of sleep every day. But I guess, there's some sort of sacrifice that's gotta be made at some point right? We can't always get the best of ALL the worlds. One needs to prioritize to be able to live life to the best that they can. 


2. CONTROL YOUR EMOTIONS BEFORE IT CONTROLS YOU

Being a member of the female species, this is one helluva task to deal with. The level of difficulty of managing your emotions greatly depends on the environment you're in and people you're surrounded by. I know it sounds extremely cliche but truth be told, this is one aspect of living life that can either make you, or break you. 

This is especially important now that we're living in the era where social media is so available as ranting platforms, we sometimes forget the reach of it and also, whatever gets on the internet, stays on it. 

I totally understand having a breakdown every now and then, heck! Even Britney Spears hit an all-time low with hitting the papz and shaving her head. Where did that lead her? Headlines and rehab. Now think of us as "commoners", if we can't manage our emotions, think of the repercussions - employers not confident in you to hire you, you lose the relationships you have worked so hard to get etc. You basically risk ending up losing nearly everything, all in the heat of the moment. 

In all honesty, I've really seen myself mellow down A LOT since after secondary school. Ask anyone who knows me since then, they'd tell you I used to be pretty hot-headed and unrelenting. I've been through a rough patch in Secondary School which taught me the importance of keeping my emotions in check. I am still guilty of ranting every now and then on Twitter, but I do so much less these days, keeping everything to a minimal. In fact, I will unbashfully say that I'm in wayyyyyy better control of my emotions now. 

Plus, I still believe firmly in repaying the kindness that one has shown towards me. This brings me to my next point...


3. KNOW WHO IS TRUE TO YOU

It's not a secret that we all are hypocrites (if you say you aren't, STOP LYING). I'm sure by now, everyone would know that the quality of friends or people around you definitely triumphs over the quantity of people, right? Well, not only is the quality of the people you surround yourself with, important, it is also important to remember the ones who were there when you were facing a difficult time, and those who kicked you when you were down and out. 

In a life where nearly everyone is putting up a facade, it's SO HARD to really spot who is sincere and really, from the bottom of their hearts, want to help and see you succeed in life. I gone through my fair share all sorts of people and to be frank, I still make the mistake of letting the fake ones get too close and thinking that they're the ones that are true to me. I guess there's really no fool-proof way to find out until the day you find yourself in dire situations - only then will you see who still stands firmly behind you, supporting you and not with a knife, just waiting to be lunged into your back as you fall. 

But if you're one of the lucky ones who have found some people aside from your family, who are true to you, I suggest you handcuff these people to you and throw the key to those cuffs into the sea. 

Okay maybe (and by this I mean PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD,) don't take that too literally. What I'm trying to put forth is that you need to keep this people close to you and let them know that you appreciate them. But but BUT, make sure that they do not misuse this trust and manipulate you into doing whatever they want. 

C'MON. PROTECT OURSELVES AT ALL TIMES!


4. MONEY IS NOT WATER

Well it might be a tad similar to water if your parents are some tycoons or something along the lines of you being born in extreme amounts of wealth. 

Being an adult ultimately means... bills. Meh. Lucky for me (and for most others who're brought up in a typical Asian environment), I'm still staying with my mom. So when I say "bills" I mean phone bills and well some other stuff. Basically, spending my own money on my own things. It sucks. I wished I was 40 and still getting allowance. 

DONT. JUDGE. ME. 

But seriously, as we get older, we see the importance of money, but at the same time, you find yourself spending it like.. it's not a big deal. I keep telling myself to save but... 30 minutes on online shops and I've spent more than half of what I earn as an intern................... 

Let's not forget just how expensive it is living in Singapore is! I spend half my pay on transportation. So when you think about it... I'm perpetually in the state of being broke. I learnt that it's wayyy cheaper to bring food to work (I rely embarrassingly heavily on my mother for this. Not because I can't cook, but because I can NEVER wake up on time to prepare my own coffee. :/) than to buy a meal. I learnt that I should never be left in a mall on my own for anything more then 15 minutes because I HAVE NO SELF-CONTROL. Thankfully for me, I don't drink or smoke. I shudder to think the levels of "broke" I would reach if I did. SMH. 

That moral of the story is that you learn that saving is a big deal. It gets much harder as you get older because you "need" to get this and that to match up with the standards of society/peers or to socialize or whatsnot. This goes back to No.1 - PRIORITIZING. What is the purpose of you saving? Do you really need to spend your money on this? Will you regret the purchase? 

Trust me, I am THE WORST when it comes to this.... I need to take my own advice at the mo. 


5. PUT EFFORT INTO SPRUCING UP YOUR CV

I honestly never thought much of my CV. I first did it when I was taking my Diploma and had to sit through some workshop that made us do it. I always thought it wasn't THAT important. But along the way (in University), I realised its importance - it is what will make a difference between a potential employer calling you and them calling another applicant instead. 

Over the past month, I've spent HOURS sprucing it up, proof-reading it and making sure that I'm doing it right. In all honesty, I don't know if it's as amazing as I hope it would be, but I pray to God it's good. Well, I would definitely employ me, or at least call me for an interview... then again, I might be bias (by this I mean I'm certain I'm being bias to myself. lol). 

You need to constantly keep it updated, to be relevant. I firmly believe that the amount of effort you put in into your CV can be seen when a potential employer sees it. To get a good job, or even stand a chance, this is the first step to have a foot in the door and getting called for an interview. With so many university students graduating every half a year, the amount of people who are better-suited and more qualified for the job you are applying to is endless! Pessimistically put, the odds will be constantly stacked against you, which is EXACTLY why you need to step up your game in order to stand out from all the other applicants. 

It's a tough world our there with very strong competitors. "When the going gets tough, the tough gets going." Be the tough one. Be the one who puts in all the effort. Show you aren't just another applicant, but one that goes the extra mile. 

Queensland 2013

Now playin': Wonderwall - Oasis

The last I posted (which was over a month ago) covered how hectic life was since I got back from Sydney and that I was heading to Brisbane, Australia, and at the same time, Gold Coast. Well I got back to Singapore 5 days ago and I am definitely not too happy to be back tbh. But well, everything good must come to an end at some point, no? 

I had an AHHHMAYYYYZING 23 days there! I had such a great time it was insane! I was mainly travelling on my own with the occasional meetup with friends there and then befriending a group of lovely Americans who I then ended up spending most of my last 2 weeks with! Yknow how I tend to use words like #YOLO and #SWAG ironically? Well lately, I've been using YOLO a lot more! And not even ironically. Not too sure if that's a good thing but main point is that I've been pushing myself outside my comfort zone from my last trip to this and I've not regretted a single thing! It's incredible what travelling (especially alone) does to you. 

I've been getting quite a bit of shit over the fact that 1) I keep travelling alone (because people think it's lonely and boring and stuff like that) & 2) I keep going back to Aussie (cuz people say that I'm not adventurous enough). Well, to all of you, 

You are aware that Australia is a CONTINENT right? There's so many states & places to visit and they're not all the same. Just so you know, Australia is NOT Singapore. It takes a hell lot more than just 3 weeks at a place to cover the CONTINENT. And what's this about me not being adventurous? What have you been doing with YOUR life? 

Travelling alone lets you have some "alone time". It allows you to reflect on things and understand yourself better. It allows you to look at things with a different perspective, feel more comfortable in your own skin and indulge in the surroundings, culture etc. It's a whole different feeling when you're exploring a foreign land alone. It's scary but that's what pushes you on to get out of your comfort zone and make something out of your trip, allowing it to be fulfilling. Yes, I won't deny that travelling in a group will definitely mean more fun when it comes to doing certain things. But there might be unnecessary conflict along the way. You don't need to plan your day based on the people around you that you're travelling with. Call me selfish but I like to do what I want to do. I mean occasionally, I don't mind "going with the flow" when I meet up with people I know there but I'd rather have time alone. 

In a nutshell, travelling alone is truly one of the best things in life. You get to meet people from all walks of life that you may never have talked/befriended with if you were in a group and also do things that challenge you and your comfort zone. You get to find yourself along the way and if you don't, you're definitely doing it wrong! 

Ironically, the people who have made all those comments to me are the ones who MUST travel in a large group and don't travel anywhere out of Asia or even any further than HK. So... like bitch please, talk to me again when you've ventured out. :) 

ANYHOOS, back to my trip, I'm quite glad to have people there that are absolute sweethearts and check in on my well-being every now and then. ;') I had a whole list of things that I wanted to visit/do and I've completely basically 95% of it with the remaining 5% being that of things that were expensive to do (I was on a super tight budget), needed a car as it'd be wayyyy easier (i don't have a driver's license so.....:/) & mostly in Gold Coast as I only went up there for a day, which was truly a pity. I definitely will go back there for a visit again one day! I'm pretty damn proud of myself. I'll just end off this brief post with a few.. or maybe a hundred photos from my trip (i took a total of 7000photos. Lol. Like whuttttt?)! x

PS: If you're looking to travel to Australia and are looking for some information (especially if you are going there for the first time), visit www.koalifiedtravel.com!