As It Sinks In Deeper

mood: cranky
now playin': Yesterday - Leona Lewis

Yes, here I go again with my heartfelt emoshit. :( Yknow, I really really miss the carefree me. I miss the me who would refrain from blogging about how upset I feel about these little things. But somehow, I feel like that person I used to be, the girl who used to laugh straight from her heart, is no longer anywhere. When I think back at what I've laughed and smiled at, I realised how much I was thinking and I never did laugh sincerely. No matter how wide I smiled, no matter how long and loud my laughter was, I can't be sincere anymore.

The barrier I built, the protection I placed around my heart. It's made me so fake. So insincere. I put up some facade over and over again. And this time, it's worse than ever. It's like an irremovable mask. It scares me so badly. I feel im losing myself again. And I just can't tell anyone how I feel. Because it's like a joke. It sounds so unlike me.

Reading my past posts and my past tweets these days, I fear for what I've become. I've been so scared of getting hurt that I've hurt myself trying to force the scars close. The blood that gushes out profusely, refusing to stop. It hurts to hurt especially when I'm running away from getting hurt. I'm trying so badly to not tweet anything emo anymore. Because I feel I'm a burden. I feel like I'm dragging the whole tweetville (my followers) into my doom. And if I were them, reading my tweets, I'd be so irritated. So annoyed. So...everything.

I don't know why. I just feel so frustrated. So hurt. So upset. So pissy. So whiny. So everything bad. I want to laugh and not be stopped. I want to cry and have someone there for me like how I was for people. I want to have this feeling off my chest because it's making me cry all the time. I'm so drowned in anguish.

A sudden rush of emotions when I look through photos.
A sudden rush of memories when I look back at things.
What have I become?
Who have I become?
I know I've been sounding really really emotional these days.
I don't like it.
But the feeling won't stay away.
I have no idea why.
No matter how much I smile & laugh, nothing works.
It hurts to be in such despair.

H.e.l.p.m.e?