I'll be HEARTLESS

mood: moody
now playin': Airplanes - BoB feat Haley williams

photo credit: http://bit.ly/cRSSYb

Heartless.

Yes, it's high time I be that way to people.I've always been mean, bitchy and all. And somehow, the term "heartless" never actually existed. When I hurt someone, no matter how much I hate them, it hurts me more. And then I apologise because I feel like shit.

And something today made me think about it and question myself. How much have people actually cared how I feel? I know it's not actually right to want something in return for something you have given but I tried to hold on and all I get back is everything of the opposite? Really, that stinks. I know I dont show my soft side. Yes, people see me all hyper and crazy all the time and they all think nothing will bring me down.

Yall just don't know how it tears me inside.

I want to cry, scream and hate the world. But I try not to. What's the point right? I'll just come across as being really overly-dramatic/sensitive. And I don't want that. I've mentioned before, I dont want people to see my weakness because I don't want it to be exploited. And just ALOT has been happening these past few weeks to have made me feel that if I dont start protecting myself & my heart now, I'll end up getting hurt over and over again over the littlest things.

From today on, I'll be less emotional and more heartless. I'll have to master the art of "not giving two hoots about what the fuck you feel" because chances are, when we swop roles, you'll walk away from me thinking, "so? it's not my problem." The only way I can prevent myself from getting hurt is to build a barrier and protector around my heart and be cold-hearted. It won't be easy but I'll get through this. I have to. Because the world is mean, brutal and cruel. I'll hold on so dearly to this barrier, build it to be so strong until one day, someone who was made for me tears this barrier down, he'll be the one I've waited for my whole life.

So help me Dear God. To have patience and yet hold on to my pride and dignity long enough to live in this heartlessly cruel world.