Believe?

mood: Skeptical
now playin':

What is the first thing you think of when someone utters the word "BELIEVE"? Faith? Trust? Friendship? Relationship? Risking whatever you have? Looking at the bright side?

The first thing I think of will always be Faith and Trust. I've got trust issues, i think I've talked about that (prolly a little too much). But I always have faith that there's a good side to everyone. Just like how there's a positive note to every negative scenario that could happen...a sliver lining yknow?

Last semester, a facilitator of mine told me that I believe too much of people. I keep trying to see the good even if there isn't. I just wanted to live in....in a fairytale. Somewhere where there's always a happy ending. Not one but majority of the people I know agree to this.

I was pissed, mad, insulted and i dont know...maybe I felt like throwing a bitch fit. Was he calling me naive? Was he saying that I refuse to believe in reality? ARE THEY ALL AGREEING/SAYING THAT I'M NOT MATURE ENOUGH TO FACE LIFE AS IT IS?

As stupid as it was gettin' mad at someone who isn't me, giving his honest opinion, I was mad at myself mostly. Why? Because deep down, I knew he was right. Every thing he said was true. That was what annoyed me. Why is it I needed someone to tell me all these traits about myself? Why did it sound so stupid coming out from an outsider? When will I ever face reality?

Here are a few examples of WHY IT IS CLEAR I DO NOT WISH TO FACE REALITY:

1) I don't read the papers or watch the news because I choose to believe that "no news is good news" and i don't want to hear about people getting killed/kidnapped or about disasters etc.

2) All those who have lied to me...they did not lie only once or twice, but at least a handful of times. Why? Because every time they say sorry, I forgive them cos I pray they've seen the error in their ways and wanted to change. WHICH NEVER HAPPENS.

3) I'm a pretty pessimistic person but despite it all, I try to get my ass out of whatever troubles I get myself or get my friend's ass our of whatever trouble he/she is in. Why? Because I always tell myself that if there's a way in, there's gotta be a way out....even if the way out is....meh. There is clearly no way out but I still want myself to hold on to that believe that there is.

4) I keep saying,"fuck guys. they should all just vanish from the face of these earth." But really, I still believe in falling in love. I believe that the ones in my past weren't the right ones. I believe that despite them being in my past and having history with me, we can all just move forward and be in each other's future..JUST AS FRIENDS. And for that, all my friends think I'm losing my mind cos that was like me trying to do the impossible! In fact, they were partially right. Cos I tried that and..well, it became pretty messy. (Long story. Don't wanna share it here. Too bad suckas). Yet somehow, I still believe that it's gonna be possible despite knowing the logic that if I end up friends with someone from my past & succeed, it only means that either you both still have feelings for each other, or never had it to begin with. :/

These are only the very few out of the many things. You get the drift right? I'm scared of hearing all the horrible things going on in the world. Not as if I need the extra dosage of negativity as it is, but I don't want things to affect me and yet know that there is so little I can do to help. It breaks my heart to see suffering but all I can do is to donate some money. The thing is, these people, they don't only need money for necessities but they need help, companionship, moral support to get over the hard times. I want to give that all, but I know, I can never fill whatever void they have in them.

Oh yes, you're prolly calling me stupid through your computer screen about me giving people a chance to lie to me not once or twice but so many bloody times. Why? Because every time I want to cut off ties with someone or hate on someone or not give them a second chance, I end up thinking to myself

"Why if he/she's telling the truth but yet not given a second chance? How will he/she learn to overcome and correct the mistakes made? What if it was me wanting a second chance, sincerely and yet I wasn't given the chance to make amends? Would it be fair?"

So I relent. By doing this, I'm actually giving the person a key and a knife to open the door to my heart & trust (& back) and 3/4 of the time, it allows them stab me over and over again. My punishment for being to trusting. -_-

Despite whatever I say, I'm not telling yall to look at me as a Saint or whatever, cos I'm not. I make people cry, I curse & swear, I act like nothing can hurt me, I laugh as if I dont have a care in the world, I tease others (sometimes too much that makes them feel like shit). I'm just human. But there's always a side of an individual that no one knows of. There's a lot to me that no one, not even people who I've grown up with, knows.


So what if one day you wake up to realise that whatever you believe in was just another excuse to run away from reality? What would you do? Change your whole believes? How? How would you do that when your whole life has been sheltered and having believed all these just to protect yourself? What would you do when you realise that the protection you wanted from believing was just another route for you to fall deeper into a pool of hurt?

What would you believe?