mood: dissatisfiedY'know how you try so hard to please everyone all the time? Y'know how you want to have people being proud of you? Y'know how you feel like sacrificing your own believes and wants to get the acceptance of the people around you (especially your family) will all be worth it?
now playin':
Well, fuck it. It's a lie. We're all human. People want us be who they want us to be. No matter how much sacrifice was made, it will never good enough. Our every move is scrutinized. When we do good, no one sees it, but just one little mistake, just the tip of your toe out of the line of what these people want from us, and we get criticized over and over and over again. And just when you think everything has died down, don't be stupid! No one ever forgets another person's mistakes! They'll remind you forever. Every fucking time you do something, they remind you of that minor mistake.
I'm tired. Tired of how I try and try as I might to please everyone. I don't mind sacrificing my own desires every now and then but these people don't see it. Not once was I praised for doing anything right. But the moment I start doing what I want to do, I get insulted and told how I'm a failure and all the negativity starts.
Was I praised for studying hard? NO. I was scolded for not studying hard enough.
Was I praised for trying to be the best? NO. I was scolded for not being the best.
Was I praised for staying home and not hanging out with my friends? NO. I was scolded for not making myself useful in life.
Was I praised for saving money from my allowance? NO. I was scolded for not saving more.
Was I praised for staying strong with faith even when temptation to drink & smoke surrounded me? NO. I was scolded for being with my friends.
Was I praised for reading more? NO. I was scolded for not studying.
Was I praised for cleaning my room? NO. I was scolded for not cleaning my room better.
Was I praised for coming home before midnight? NO. I was scolded for going out.
Was I praised when I went for revision clinics from early in the morning despite having slept only 2 hours before cos I had to do assignments? NO. I was scolded for not revising more & for "going out".
Was I praised for going out of my way to accommodate people's wishes? NO. Because I'm "supposed to".
Was I praised for doing more work than I was supposed to? NO. Because I'm nothing but a "market spoiler" for doing that.
Was I praised for wanting to help others? NO. Because I'm trying to be a show-off. (wtf)
Was I praised for going swimming ever so often? NO. I was scolded for getting too tanned.
Was I praised for losing a tad of weight? NO. I was scolded for not losing enough to make me as thin & pretty as a VS model.
Was I praised for eating fruits & vegetables so often? NO. Because I'm still fucking fat.
Was I praised for being everyone's counsellor/fixer of their problems? NO. I was told I wasn't doing a good enough job of it.
Was I praised for caring about others' feelings? NO. Instead, no one gave a fuck about how I felt. Not a single soul.
No matter what I do & how much I try, truth is, I'll never be good enough. My best is not the best that they expect out of me. I keep telling myself to cut these negativity out by cutting people who bring negativity into my life. But these people....they're not people I can just "cut off"...if you know what I mean. I'm so tired. Just so fucking tired of trying to please everyone.
I'm drained from always trying to go out of my way to please people. And worse bit of this is that I keep up this facade of how bubbly & happy-go-lucky I am to keep people around me happy because I know how would get bummed out if they're with someone who has so many issues & unhappiness in them. And who the heck would want to be around someone so dull & depressing!? I want to please people people I don't even like & those I've yet to meet. Why? Because that's the social protocol. How you are will be how other people will accept you as.
Truth is, if you have nothing to offer, you're nothing.
We all make use of others for our gains. We befriend people who have something to offer to us. Don't lie to yourself & say that, "This isn't true. I befriend people for who they are." If so, it means you've already accepted who they are. You befriend them for their companionship, for their listening ear, for status, for whatever other reasons there are. They have something to offer for you to want them in your life.
That's just how life works.
We can all keep pretending that we don't give two fucks about how people see us as. But ask yourself - why do you bother dressing up? do you comb your hair? why do you make friends (no matter how "uncool" your friends are)? Why do you bother when people stare at you when you walk? Why do you make sure you're at your best when you meet your other half's family?
BECAUSE WE CARE. WE WANT TO PLEASE THE OTHERS & SOCIETY.
Let's just admit it, we don't take enough time to know someone. We listen to what is said of them, we look at how they dress, what bag they carry & how they bring themselves. If they're "acceptable" we get to know them and in a matter of time, they're your "good friend". But just how much do you know about that friend?
I can safely say, 90% of the friends in my life who think of/call me their "good friend" don't know shit about my life. They don't know my past. They don't know my issues. They don't know most of my likes & dislikes. They don't know what I've had to go through. They don't know much about me. If it wasn't for twitter (& prolly fb & this blog), they wouldn't even know how unhappy I am, what issues I face, how much I've been trying to remain happy & wtv else. In fact, no one would. :/ Just like being fat, how many people actually know what happened during the transition of primary 6 to secondary 2 to land me in this state? Don't get me wrong, the fact I love to eat & hate jogging (but love swimming) is a factor but there was a reason to lead me to this.
Before you call me fat and talking about how thin I was in/before Secondary One, why not ask, what happened to make me resort to comfort food? Why not ask what happened? Don't you think I'm not trying? Yes, I love eating. Yes, I indulge in chocolates every now & then, prolly a tad too often. Yes, I hate jogging. I HATE it so much, no one will ever fathom. I love swimming. I really do. But I constantly get nagged/scolded about how tanned I am & now broad my shoulders are getting so much so that I'm becoming ugly. Yes, UGLY. FUCKING SUPERFICIAL IS THAT!? JUST BECAUSE I'M TANNED & MY SHOULDERS ARE BROAD (not even THAT broad pls), I'M UGLY? And when I don't swim, I get scolded for being fat.
Nice.
All I know is that people's expectations of me have been pressurizing and I'm really so darn tired. It's tiring to keep outdoing yourself to meet to these expectations just to find yourself faced with even more outrageous expectations.
People don't know, people don't care enough to want to know. They take what they see, hear & perceive & come up with their own assumptions. That's life. You have one chance to make it right because we're all humans & we do not forget mistakes/failures easily.
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