[now playin': Photograph - Nickelback]
This is a random post that does not hint/refer to
ANYONE!
All my life, I've always said this,
"I'd always put friendship before any boy-girl relationship"
No matter how bad I've fallen for a particular guy, I would be troubled and torn between friendship and relationship. I never wanna put any of my friendships in jeopardy especially if this person means alot to me. Yes, being a girl, I'm greedy. I want my cake and eat it at the same time. I would love to be more than a friend to this person but our special friendship constantly holds me back.
Everyone knows that I'm not one to drag my heels over matter especially when it comes to guys. No one has seen me in this confused, troubled and shy state. Sometimes, I wonder myself, when have I become so confused when it comes to guys? I've never been this way till now. I don't want to let this person slip through my fingers because I'll be the one who'd regret it. And I hate regretting my actions. But I don't want to be avoided because I'd regret telling this person. So either way, I'd still regret my actions. I know I shouldn't be even thinking of all these right now. LIKE DUH. But I can't help it.
I really don't like this feeling. I'm really frustrated with myself. If telling this person how I really feel will cost me my friendship, I won't tell. I cherish my friendship above anything else. I really do. But I really don't want to regret this. But right now, my heart tells me to tell but my mind tells be the consequences. And everyone knows I'm impulsive and never thinks about any consequences. And the fact that I'm going through every single consequence that will come about for every move I make, it really does come as a surprise. And I really don't know what to do. I really don't.
Another thing is that I cherish a friendship too much that I'd push the person away once he steps on the line that defines the partition between friends and more than that. But unfortunately, instead of holding on to the friendship, I lose them. Unknowingly, I push them so far away that I lose them. And it only dawns on me how far I've pushed them when I sit down to self-reflect.
And then there's another type of friendship that I cherish so much that I seem to be the only one holding on to the friendship and try all that I can to make the friendship work. It's only now that I realise how weary I am. I've been doing all the work to keep up this particular friendship while this other person does nothing to salvage it. I'm not one who gives up on my friendship. I'd do everything in my means to salvage it no matter what. No matter how hurt I've been with that person, no matter how difficult it is for me to forgive this person, I'd find a way to forgive. Although I can never forget.
Sometimes, when I see a friend crying over a relationship that he/she tries to salvage but is beyond help, I feel helpless. Sometimes I wonder, why is it that 3/4 of the time only one in the relationship holds on to it and tries to move it a level higher all by his/herself. It's utterly selfish. REALLY!
"Accept the guy's your partner's weakness and you'll last."
A close person told me this. But will it really? I'll give a couple of scenarios & to prevent biasness, I'll give examples for both girls&guys.
Scenario 1:
Guys, Your girlfriend is a frigging cheat. Being a cheat was fine to you but she was cheating on you with YOUR BESTFRIEND! You love her ALOT and would die for her. She CLAIMS she loves you but is two-timing you. You try your every means to get her back all to yourself and you know that she cheated on ther ex-bf with you. She does nothing in this relationship while you do EVERYTHING.
Her weakness: Likes to cheat on her bf and is a timer.
So guys, tell me, sincerely and honestly, can you actually accept this weakness of your gf and move on and pretend everything's okay? Is this fair? How long can you endure this emotional torture?
Scenario 2:
Ladies, your bf never takes initiative. You love him so much that you don't want to force him to take initiative in the relationship that results in you running the whole relationship by yourself. Finally one day, you realise that all this time, it's as though you've been in a relationship with yourself cos you've been running it all by yourself while he does nothing but just waits there for you to do all the job and when your relationship has taken a plunge, he goes away and leaves you behind to clear up the shit. And the irony is that he CLAIMS he's deeply in love with you. Everytime you try talking to him about it, he replies, "Okay. I'll try." But he never does.
His weakness: No initiative and no sense of responsibility
Tell me, would you still be able to hold on to this relationship? You may be able to accept his weakness in the beginning, but will you be able to in the long run? Is this really fair to you?
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I don't know why I just blogged all that. It's been eons since I've updated so much. I feel SO MUCH better after letting it all out. Maybe I've just been too disappointed in many guys. I don't know. I really don't but right now, I don't wish to make a decision. At least not yet. I don't wish to regret.
Anyway, I feel so refreshed being at home and studying at my own pace instead of the mad rush in school. :)
Shall update when I'm free.
CIAOS~
