So what now?

mood: tired
now playin': Push (acoustic ver.) - Avril Lavigne

"Sometimes I try to see the good in people, in things, in...everything. But not all the time can it be seen/found"

I don't know why it's becoming more and more of a burden for me to update my blog. I used to be in love with blogging - be it blogging about my day or my week or simply, my unspoken thoughts.

I feel like I've lost touch of writing. I loved to blog because I loved to write. But now, I feel overwhelmed by boredom. I just feel the constant need for novelty and some spontaneousness in my life. I feel like I've grown so bored of all that I used to love and had interest in.

I used to love attending parties and gatherings and..well, events. No not those wild kind but like yknow..gatherings with friends and acquaintances & just let loose, go mad, laugh like crazy and all. I used to love meeting new people. Even if I know there'll be those pricks out there I probably wont like, I'd still go out & hang out and befriend them. I could do with wearing a "mask" and pretending I'm fine with them & everything. But now, I'm bored of all that. I'm plain & sick of it all.

I'd rather be at home or out with a close friend, giggling or just talking about things that matter. I wont attend events that require me to meet people who I know I won't get along with and yet, I'll have to PRETEND to be fine with it. It's like all that, was mad exciting and awesome but.....it's me. I just got bored of it. Bored of having to be fine all the time even when I'm unhappy. Tired of being around so many people I have to engage myself with in "small talks".

But I'll say, I still wanna be in the Public Relations (PR) line in the future. Because I LOVE meeting new people from different walks of life. And for some reason, I have good PR skills (not self-praise but EVERYONE i know says so). I wanna meet people who intrigue me, who are interesting and who are a form of network.

Yes, having more friends is good, but depends on who they are. That's the point, the type I've to befriend with arent the type I'd be interested to befriend or smthe. Yknow...THAT kind that is just a hi-bye person & if they try to engage you in any other conversation, you just wanna punch them & tell them to shut up? Yeah, that kind.

I've become VERY VERY wary and picky of the people I befriend with.

That's why recently I've been having arguments with a friend over me being anti-sociable. No, I'm NOT unsociable. It's just, I don't see a need for me to pretend to be interested and bore myself to death with people I have tried to, but failed to befriend with. He doesn't understand why I'm going through this phase or why I've changed.

Actually, I don't either. I don't know what has happened to me. I don't know why have I grown so bored of everything I once loved. It's scary, it really is. I keep asking myself what triggered me to become this way? What can I possibly do to get my old self back, because honestly, I miss being loud, crazy, out-going, fun, sociable & all.

Many people have realised I've changed. Every time I'm asked out, I think twice, and possibly, thrice. And I'm last sem, it was evident I toned down. I wasn't the girl you could hear laughing from one end of the level to the other. I wasn't that girl running and laughing and acting mad.

I was the girl who stayed in class as much as possible, trying to block everything out. But of course, there will be times I actually do shout & laugh loud. But for every time I laugh, I ask myself, "Are you sincerely laughing because you're happy/you find this funny? Or are you just having the 'oh-i-need-to-laugh-so-just-laugh' moment?"

I'm just a confused child. I don't know what I want. I don't know who I want to be. I don't know..

how to get myself back.

I've grown so used to going with the flow and situation to decide how I want to act, that I lost my true self along the way. Now, I just want to find myself back. I'm hoping I won't be this anti-social person for long. It's mundane. But somehow, I find it intriguing to sit in my room, air-con on, jazz music at the background & just reading a nice book or a nice interesting blog. It's not like the routine "oh it's time to go out & be crazy" times.

So what I need right now to keep me interested are....

FRIENDS WHO ARE SPONTANEOUS & MAD OUT-GOING!

I think this is what I lack. All these while, I tend to plan where to go, what to eat, how much to spend and whatever else. I don't actually think I have a usual group of friends who'll call me up at any hour of any day just to say...

"Sup yan! Wanna meet in like a few hours time?"

or

"Hey! Wanna come over/Can I come over to chill?"

or

"SLEEPOVER. YES OR NO? ^^"

Okay luh, Sometimes, I can't have sleepovers cos I dont have permission. HAHAH. But still! I'm sure if you ask & my parent is in a good mood, I'll be allowed! :D

or

"Wanna meet at Starbucks (or where ever) at 8pm (or whatever time)?"

Okay lah, I admit, I've been pretty broke so I tend to say I don't wanna go anywhere too pricey. But ask me to go to Jalan Kayu or like Tong Seng (only 2 "coffeeshops" I'll go to, so far) & I'll be totally up for it!

or

"Eh! Let's go for a picnic followed by gaming at lan shop!"

HAHAHA. YES. I PLAY COMPUTER GAMES TOO. I GO TO LAN SHOPS (albeit seldom) TOO!

Okay, what I'm tryna say here is that I just want a friend, or a group of friends who are just really spontaneous. Like meetup & then just walk around and end up at some place sitting down or something. Just having fun, yknow? Not the usual routine - Go for movie, go for a meal, sit somewhere & gossip. Mad boring. Not the least interesting. I need a little more novelty and adventure...just...

Something different.

Update: Wanting to stay home more often instead of being out hanging out or something DOESN'T MEAN I'M ANY LESS FRIENDLY TO PEOPLE OR THAT I'M ARROGANT.

I had tweets yesterday from a few strangers who asked me is that why they've heard people say I'm pretty arrogant in person.

1) Idk who are THESE PEOPLE who say I'm arrogant in person. Cos I'm not. In fact, I think if you know me or ask people who know me, they'll tell you I'm mad friendly & damn chatty!

2) I didn't reply to your tweets because there were a few of the same comments & I decided to blog about this instead.

3) Yes, I said I'd rather not hang out or attend things that I am fully aware I wont like because of the different types of people. But of course, this doesn't happen ALL THE TIME. I said, "I'D RATHER NOT" not "I HATE". See the difference?

4) If you invite me to a gathering or something, I would probably think twice or thrice. But the chances of me attending would me 80% because I still like meeting people. Just...not as much as I used to.

5) TO ALL THOSE PEOPLE WHO SAY I'M ARROGANT:

I have absolutely no idea why you would think I'm arrogant. Okay, I do admit. Everyone I know tells me that their first impression of me is that I'm arrogant and I'm damn picky about my friends. Yes. I am picky about who I really befriend with. But I have no problem with acquaintances, really. Talk to me, and I'll talk to you back.

There have been times where people who I don't know say hi to me. NOT ONCE have I not replied. I reply them with a smile although of course, I'll be thinking,"Okay...do I know who that was?" at the back of my head. I won't deny. And neither am I bragging about this. I'm merely stating a fact as a form of example.

I'm sure you don't expect me to walk around school or the streets smiling widely & saying "HI!" to everyone right? That'd just be mental! So for the love of all mankind, if you see me, smile or say hi, I WILL reply you the same.

Thanks & sincerely,
Me