Trust

mood: irritated
now playin': Trouble for me - Britney Spears

Sometimes you take a peek at the past and realise, it was what that led you to be who you are right now, the present.

To trust someone..is the one thing I will never be able to do. No matter how many times people swear they'll keep my secrets...no many how many times I say "I trust you"..NEVER will I be able to trust ANYONE. Each man for himself. Because for every time I let my guard down & share something close to my heart..my thoughts, that same person who told me to trust him/her betrays me.

If it happened to you, how'd you feel?

So don't. Just don't tell me to have a little faith and learn to trust. Yes I rant. I rant 24/7. But what I REALLY & TRULY want to rant is whatever is bottling up in me, whatever tears me inside that makes me cry every single night, what builds hatred, what..whatever that makes me trust people less...every.single.day.

No. You can ask everyone. EVERY SINGLE ONE. Ask them about my life. NO ONE...not even the ones I've known for 6years or more knows everything/all my secrets. Because..to have someone to share your feelings and thoughts with gives that person a hold on you.

Maybe that's why a guy from my past told me that I made him feel that he needs me more than I need him. I made him feel like I just never wanted to share my problems with him.

That's the thing about me. I don't want to tell people what's killin' me inside. I don't wish to be a burden on anyone, than I already feel I am. I don't want people to have a hold on me. I don't want to be fearful that the person might betray me one day & with my heart so close to being trampled on.

Yes, I'm not very independent. I whine when I can't do things. People around me shelter me alot. Even my friends. Every time I can't do something, others will do it for me. I'm thankful, I really am. Till to this date, I've never done my laundry myself. I dont even know how the hell to operate a washing machine. I've a family & especially a mother who are out of this world! They protect & love me so much that words will never describe how I feel. And yes, sometimes, I'm a brat. I throw tantrums when I don't get what I want.

But because I was brought up with everyone sheltering me so much so that I learnt that sometimes, I too, need to depend on myself. Because there's no one you can depend on better than yourself. One day, everyone's gonna leave. So who will you depend on but yourself? I learnt to go out alone, shop alone, eat alone, cry alone, spend time alone, swim alone and I'm comfortable being alone. Some people don't dare to be seen alone. As much as I like spending times with my friends, I trust myself to be myself with only myself. Geddit? I don't like to seem weak or even cry in front of people because I'm just so used to putting on a brave and strong front that I forget what it's like to just..

CRY.

Bawl like a baby & still trust the person beside you to hug you and tell you that they'll be there for you no matter what. Because for every time someone says they'll be there for me..that's a part of me that no matter how much I want to believe them....doesn't trust whatever they say.

Maybe that's why I don't see myself being clingy to people. Maybe that's why my ex said I never seem to want to be with him all the time, like other girlfriends would and that I make him feel like I can never share with him anything. But why compare? I dont want to be just ANOTHER girl to everyone. I don't like people being clingy all the time. I don't see myself being with a clingy guy. I don't see myself being good friends with people you cling onto me. Yes, flattered. But that's all. Cos at the end of the day...

We all need some (personal) space, no?

Trust...it's built over time. It's built over things that happen that you show your true colours and let the other party know that you mean every word you've said and that they can still count on you.

Trust

- The one thing you spend your whole life building & just one silly mistake to have it all crumble down.