An Open Letter To The One Who Got Away

Hey you, 

I wrote a letter to you last night. A letter containing everything that should've been said in great detail (it was basically an essay, just like the lengthy messages you always sent me). A letter that was so long overdue. A letter that you would never receive. 

But here I am, writing you another one, sans those details. I'm sorry if I had led you to perhaps, think that it was your fault and were the reason why we never.. became a "we". I had a part to play in the way things turned out.

You were goofy and i like goofy. You made me laugh. You called yourself silly but i liked you that way. You were sweet and caring. It was refreshing being with you - a nice change. You couldn't tell but I was just as shy as you... but just covered it up pretty well. 

Timings are a funny thing, isn't it? Sometimes we can be at the right place, with the right person, but just at the wrong time, or we can be at the right place waiting for the right person but the right time never seems to come. One day im unavailable but you are, and the next, you're unavailable but i am. That was what happened with us - timing. I never wanted to assume a guy like you would fall for a girl like me (which is an irony because i think remember you joking that you could not see a girl like me falling for a guy like you). It was my fault that i did not say how i felt, but only because i was still scared that this was all just me feeling it all one-sided.

Remember us laying down on the grass in the sun, with those massive lizards you thought were "cool" but scared the living daylights out of me (and laughed when I said they were basically mini-dinos)? Remember my last night when you decided to be sneaky (by this i mean sweet) and met me at Cleveland as soon as i got off the boat after my day-trip, instead of meeting me in the city? I do. I can't believe how you still thought i was gorgeous even when i looked terrible with my hair all tangled and me smelling like the sea! Remember the long walks we had? Long walks to nowhere in particular, but ended up sitting on a bench in the night, facing a field and just talking. Between those long lingering hugs.. I kept waiting and waiting for you to say something, but all I had were hints. 

Hints, i guess, really doesn't work. Or maybe in this case, in our case. Yes, i got all your hints and im sure you got all my hints. But we never actually (directly) spoke about it and how we felt; which was really what i needed from you - certainty. I didn't want to be that girl that over-thought your actions. I never wanted to assume how you felt and because of that, i never said anything. But now, I wish you had. I wish i had.

Remember that night when you called as soon as i walked away and asked if you could wait for the train with me and i said, 'Hey! It's okay, dont worry about me. You go home"? I do and I regretted saying that the moment i hung up. In fact, here i am, 9 months later, still regretting it. Because really, i wanted you to be beside me but for some reason, it felt that telling you to leave would have been an easier thing to do, for us both. Maybe, deep down, I was feeling a little guilty over the things I never told you, which I prolly should have. But you saw me as this perfect girl and... I couldn't bear to tell you. Maybe that was a factor.

Let's fast forward to the time I got back and after a few weeks, i found myself so caught up with work, things that were going on here and then things happened between us and one day, we fell out of touch. I should have put in the effort, because you had. I kept wanting to call you just to check on how you've been and stuff, but never got around doing it. I'm sorry for never having done that. Maybe if i did, we would still be as close as we had been. I still thought about you from time to time, but you were never on Skype anymore and i decided that you had things going on. By then, I had moved on and soon found myself in a LDR, or at least attempting one. Seven months flew past and I found myself talking about you once more, going back through all those messages and talks we had. There I sat, deciding it was time for me to call, just to say hi and a "how are you". 

Timing, once again, played us me, like a fool. It felt like there was just never the "right time". Maybe our "right time" had come and gone. It will always be on my list of "What Could Have Been". But I meant it from the bottom of my heart, that I'm so happy to hear that you're happy and doing well. The last message you sent to me is still one I hold dearest. It was the most respectable, sweetest, yet at the same time, heart-wrenching message i have ever received. 

It was in that moment that i realised really how much you liked me.

"..I just know that you are always going to make me feel those feelings and I just can’t do it anymore. Not now."

I understand that now, you can't see me as "just a friend" because of it all, and now that you had moved on, your decision showed me how much you respect her as an important person in your life and was trying to be fair to us all. And for that, I respect your decision. It was the right thing to do for us all, if we stayed apart; although I wished there was an alternative. I never got a chance to tell you all these because at that point, you had made your decision and I was not going to be the one to mess things up in your life. You told me that you hoped i was truly happy, because I deserve it, and I wish you the same. Whoever she is, she's a lucky one. 

Maybe one day... years from now.. just maybe we could have a do-over, as friends or whatever. Maybe. Just maybe.